❝1. see, I remember in grade three how we sat on the stained carpets and they told us about healthy eating. the nurse had the type of body that was thin enough to break, but her stature was strong, her smile was lovely, and she was healthy. “it is important to eat enough, but not too much.”
2. I remember the first time I woke up and decided to eat healthy that day, pouring out whole grain cereal into a bowl instead of buttering up toast with peanut butter. I packed myself a sandwich and skipped the granola bars because I needed to get in shape.
3. I remember how I came home and ate everything in the cabinets because I was so hungry that day. I told myself to try again tomorrow and kept on eating.
4. I remember feeling great about my body, great about my eating, life was good; I was happy.
5. I remember looking down at thighs so fat they seemed to scream out at me.
6. I remember counting calories obsessively, measuring out amounts, searching up the content in an apple online, recording my food in orderly rows, feeling like I was in control.
7. I remember seeing my thighs shrink, fitting myself into clothes I couldn’t wear before, standing in front of the mirror in just my underwear and feeling skinny even though it was only two weeks.
8. I remember feeling scared, like I had forgotten about my future and binging to make up for the lost energy, the times when I felt tired enough to collapse.
9. I remember jumping back and forth between starving and bursting, binging just to purge, gaining weight and losing, like a game of back-and-forth that never seemed to stop.
10. I remember meeting the counselor, listening to things I already knew but could not believe.
11. I remember telling the dietician it was unfair, listening as she told me, “some people are more naturally gifted than others,” like being skinny was a gift that God bestowed on a select few. “you’re smart. some people don’t have that. you can’t have everything.” like it is either I am smart or skinny.
12. I remember silent resolve, lovely lies to cover up my sins, because
13. I remember skinny.❞

❝

we can fix this
she says
and I cry because it is not true

because when she opens up the palm of her
hands
I only see the red tracks on her wrist
and she does not breathe much anymore,
only lightly
like she is afraid she will shatter.

it is not true when rain kisses our window pane
and reminds us of patterned shame,
because I kiss him in front of
empty roads
and it only reminds me of bodies that
have carved out their own organs
in order to be empty homes.

I will love her in ways she cannot know
and she will walk under fluorescent lights
that seep artificial chemicals beneath
her pale skin,
and her lips will turn blue
like the time she pricked her finger
and almost fainted,
and still I will love her
because you do not leave
the people you love
when they trip by their unraveling
insides.

❞